little musings of mine

i should've just stayed home =(
sigh. then at least i could've been playing monopoly with charis, levin and maybe florence, having dinner outside with everyone (free, too!), playing with adorable licky, and keeping the contented feeling in my heart.

INSTEAD..

i feel abandoned and doubtful. i hate this feeling. okay, i've got my girls with me which is a hell lot better than being alone. 

that's why you shouldn't be going out with one of your close friends. then you wouldn't have to have met his family, and so NEED to have the approval. i hate that. needing approval of the people i need have always been there, just that i am aware of it and suppress it. but it's so different when it's the boyfriend's parents. uuurgh. why can't i just have the courage!

at least i know im definitely keeping my promise to myself (and kinda alot of people Xp) that's so gonna happen when im 21. or after my birthday.

on a whole new note, that best friend situation i had on the previous post or so, is settled. i went and talked to her, and we discussed the situation. it still surprises me how people have a whole different take on the same situation, mostly thinking that they are the victims.i've always been able to accept my faults (when you put it in a nice way) or analyze the situation fairly even when i'm in the wrong, so i guess i somehow find it fascinating how some people can see so "clearly" beyond the log in their eyes. owh well, it's settled already so i guess i shouldn't kick up more dust.

and my mum told me something i hope i can tell my own daughter some day. 
"friends are those who still wanna be friends with you after knowing all your faults".

easy to say, but hard to really understand, for those who can't.
 so i'll love sue even though she's a big mess cause she's one truely rare friend =)
and i'll love fiona even though she sometimes irritate the hell out of me,
and i'll love phui loo even though she can be too forceful sometimes,
and i hope that they do too. 


as for my special friend, im not so sure..but what i'm sure of is that we're gonna be friends for a very very long time =)

20 minutes of creative writing

they say that 20 mins of creative writing a day improves your writing a hell lot. 

well, here's mine.

i feel like i've been through a really bad break up. 
how do you describe one??

well, i call it a break up when i can physically feel a wound festering at the location where my heart used to be. it's there 24/7, it hurts a hell lot, and nope it doesn't go away. oh yeah. and it scars.

at least with a bad break up you can call up allllll your best friends, drag them away from stuff they're supposed to do (ha, har-di ha) and torture their ears with every single detail of pre-break up notes and post-break up notes while making them buy you tub after tub of ice-cream. 

it doesn't go that way.
cuz it's not a stupid ex-boyfriend. 

it's an ex-bestfriend.
one that was with you all the way through high school's mean traps of thinking that you're gonna be somebody then sticking out a foot to trip you up on your face just to let you know that "nope, the world ain't fair and things are not gonna go your way", cried with you, laughed with you, shared secrets with you..

that friend was supposed to be with you all the way through your break ups and zits and experimenting with make up and bitching about the other girl and holding back tears when she's the bridesmaid when you get married.

and now she's the other girl. 

i'm starting to hate watching gossip girl cuz i don't think that i'll have the relationship that serena and blair has. i cringe when i see them hugging each other and supporting each other mentally. i ask myself, "where are we? why aren't we here?"

im so very hurt. i regret everything.
and im not gonna finish this post.

i'll be a good girl this year.

maybe, hopefully maybe, if im a really good girl, someone will give me some of this stuff i have been LUSTING for...

1. Chloe Chloé Rosebud

This fresh, smooth, and floral fragrance evokes 

a sublime powdery-rose scent. The effect is 

chic, comfortable, and entirely addictive. 

2. a polaroid camera *squeals*

 one fuji instax mini 7

perfect for taking awesome pictures!!!

3. one HTC desire HD

 

4. gucci bag!!

5. and last but not least manolo blahniks

that's all =)

when i can earn my own to buy myself all these i'll count myself as being in the height of accomplishing my own success.

let's all hope that day come soon!! =)

(or you can just buy me all these *keeping hopeful)

wink wink!

p.s. funny how i can write so upbeat blogposts when i am in fact depressed and disappointed at people in general.

of transitions

the whirring of the air-cond drones on and on. 
the spinning of the washing machine whishes round and round.

other than that, pure silence.

i find that i have come to peace with having no connections with others, no interruptions; just me alone. catching up with chores, stumbling about the internet, keeping my surroundings spick and span, and feeling a type of calm induced self improvisation.

i have friends that simply can't be left alone; that can't live without that accompany of others surrounding them the whole time; they crave affection and connections.

which makes me think-is it caused by a low self-esteem?? or by loving to communicate?? 
i used to be like this too. 


if it is so, then do we blame parents for letting their kids adopt this kind of mind set?? or should we blame the education system of the country itself?? rarely do we see people wandering alone and coming to peace with themselves.

i have no answer, but if all is happy with the ways things are, why not??
plato's cave sure never came to without any reasons for it. 


this blog is messy, just pieces of my mind churning around. 
i shall just add some emo picture =)

no. THREE, find a dream

dear mister Lawrence J. Peter said,

" if you don't know where you are going,

you'll end up someplace else."

hence i'm trying to find my "vision of goals"-joseph would be happy to see me doing this finally *blahhh!


lemme see lemme see. what were my wildest dreams during childhood??
sadly to say i think i lacked a need of dreams when i was small x.x
scared of failure and without any force of motivation, i guess.

whereas now what i want is to be 
1) rich
2) highly successful
3) hot and sexayy


materialistic much?? moi thinks so too *paiseh


what is my dream??
1) to be a highly successful magazine editor, like in the devil wears prada
can or not?? but then again the lack of emotions and family support kinda freaks me out, can be considered, however...

2) to be a teacher/ lecturer
i'll leave that for after retirement, heheheh

3) to be an astronaut??
mainly cuz malaysia's Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor is hot!! but he's married, so, scrap that

4) to be a professional traveler cum writer
not bad! this goes to the can be considered pile with the magazine editor =)

5) to be a counsellor
uuurgh. sendiri dah manyak problem dah. no patience too. =(

6) to be a clinical psychologist
okay this is added cuz i wanted something to match my psy major. and nope, i don't want to waste half my life studying =x

(seems like i don't need my psy major much, eh??)

7) to be a kindergarten teacher??
i went, i failed, i left. the memory of helping out at my mum's place still give me shudders.

8) to be a professional traveler
hmmm. how does one become a professional traveler without paying for it?? someone george clooney in 'up in the air' comes to mind. again, another one with family problems (or the lack thereof). but somehow it intrigues me.

9) a professional...comedian??
only fiona laughs at my jokes =(

10) an actress??
hmmm, love the glamour, but not the bitchiness that comes with it. maybe i should dabble in advertising first?? its a deal then. after my spots disappear first =)

okay, i love staying at hotels, traveling, and writing plus acting Xp
a traveler cum writer cum advertising extra?? hahhaha!


i'll end here. lotsa stuff to think about Xp


p.s. i've got my dreams, JOSEPH!!
 

changes and changes

" in one year from today,

how do you think your life would

 be different from now??"

this quote did it.

what i have been dragging my feet and stuffing my arms under my armpits to stop myself from doing this all this while. 
make changes.

while i am aware that people do this all the time; the new year somehow propels them to make resolutions to be a better person, change to a "new me", switch hairstyles, etc., and etc., i would like to really turn from a cocoon to a butterfly this time.

or would turning from a worm to a cocoon be more fitting??

from this day onwards, i hope that i can fit each silken string around myself-to bring the far flung but somehow reachable destination that i hope to reach with a satisfied and unregretful heart.

i hope that i can,
ONE, give people more than they expect and give it cheerfully,

TWO, believe in love at first sight,

THREE, find a dream and hold it tight to my heart, for without one i ain't nothing much,


FOUR, don't believe all that i hear, spend all i have, or sleep all i want,

FIVE, smile and say "why do you want to know??" when someone asks me something i don't want to answer,

SIX, remember great love and great achievements involve great risks.


maybe, just maybe, 
when i find my lungs collapsing and my heart failing,
i can raise up my head proudly and say,

as someone great once said: 

I MAY NOT HAVE GONE WHERE I INTENDED TO GO, BUT I THINK I HAVE ENDED UP WHERE I NEEDED TO BE.  

U O ME

in this cut-throat and materialistic world, love is more of a you give me THEN ONLY i give you kinda barter. 
see what happens with a love like the sun-"it lights the whole sky".


where has our love gone??